Let’s Talk About Insecurity…as an actor
Hello Artistes!
I’m going to be vulnerable as hell today. I had a BOUT with insecurity this week as an actor. And by bout I mean…I had an almost verbal meltdown while at work about how this work is not for me anymore.
Here are the details…I worked this week for a voiceover client that I’ve been recording with since the top of the year. At this point I hop in the vocal booth and do my thing (work from home woot woot! thank you pandemic panic purchase of a booth continuing to pay off.) I know what the client expects of me vocally and I always give my “three in a rows” with a slightly different variation on each line to give them options. Usually I get the copy a few hours in advance or if it’s a Christmas miracle a whole 24 hours in advance.
The day of the gig I typically do a vocal warm up & ideally get some physical movement in before standing in the booth for 15 mins to 2 hours. You read that right, my current vo record is 17 minutes - wherein I banged out a whole ad in 17 minutes and made a lovely amount of dollars. So, back to my most recent recording.
I set the booth up to have me standing & recording because I find that I do my best/most awake/and spontaneous voiceover work while on my feet. I opened source connect & then pulled up the email with the copy a smooth 30 mins before the session started. And had a slight heart attack when I watched/listened to the scratch track…because it was a rap ya’ll. Now if you know me you know I can do many things & even auditioned for Hamilton…one two many times…(nope, I did not ever get it tho.) I can Sing, Act, Dance(ish), Ride Horses, Run, Swim, Play sports, Mom, Teach, Friend, Daughter it up…but I DO NOT rap. It is NOT MY MINISTRY as they say. So back to the gig…
It took me 1.5 hours to get the rhythm..and when I say get it…I mean…I have no idea if it was any good. Because after 20 minutes I was sweating, feeling less than & starting to trip over words like I don’t make my living speaking them. It was awful. I felt like the most inexperienced actor and even worse like I didn’t deserve the job. To be clear in none of my auditions or sessions before had I ever rapped so it’s not like I’d advertised this as a skill but it absolutely sucks as an actor to do your best and have the person who signs your paycheck ask you to do ONE MORE THING that is not on your resume.
So long story long - I finished the gig and ad in 4 freakin’ hours. I think I cussed at myself numerous times, apologized to the editor and team, and even straight up offered that I do not rap - but maybe they could hire someone who was an expert - if that was what they wanted. The client did not let me off the hook and was remarkably supportive (I mean they’d already hired me so what was their other option right?) And I left that job thinking holy fuckballs I don’t ever want to be in that position again. I emailed the engineer to express my gratitude for their handholding during the session. Tbey emailed me back that they thought “you should feel great that you gave them as much as you did.”
And funnily enough - you know what I remembered a few days later. when I first moved out to LA one of my commercial jobs was a nightmare. I could not get my body & voice to translate what the director wanted - so much so that I was near tears because rage isn’t really an option on set when you’re a black female actress - and my co-star during and after that job so kindly told me - I think you’re doing great - don’t let it get to your head. And I replied “ yeah it’s not like we’re curing cancer here. It’s just playing pretend.” And that’s the lesson. That was my aha moment to myself. It’s just playing pretend. All I can do is play and try and then let it the fuck go….
So here are my suggestions for you artistes if insecurity around your performing every shows up.
Don’t let the insecurity get to your head.
You should feel great that you gave what you did.
Don’t forget that your job is playing pretend.
Sustainably and Artistically yours,
Chivonne Michelle
Founder & Teacher
